Everyone Else Is Doing It So Why Can't I?

An recent e-mail exchange. Behold:

ILYITF (Me): It's phlegm-y over here today. Can you hear all the coughing? I'm e-mailing you in lieu of standing up and loudly extolling the virtues of vegetables, water and FREAKING COUGH SYRUP!

Mal: It sounds like he's coughing up a pound of bacon over there...which would be pretty cool actually.

ILYITF: Dear lord. I just flashbacked to A Christmas Carol when the Ghost of Christmas Present reveals the Want & Ignorance kids under his coat. Then I imagined W coughing up children instead of bacon. Now I feel kind of barfy.

Mal: That always creeped the shit out of me as a kid. I would throw up bacon for days afterward.

ILYITF: Me too. Well, the creeped out part. Like, big time. Though you just made me laugh so hard that I may have coughed up a little bacon.

Mal: Haha...lung bacon. Goes good with lung butter and/or oysters. And a little sherry too.

ILYITF: And on the menu today we have our house Lung Carbonara drizzled with diabetic man sweat and served with a side of loogey. Enjoy!

Mal: I dont know which I'd prefer...the constant, repetitive, never funny remarks from a certain spikey haired someone over here or the vein-bursting, sweaty, red-faced coughing of Sweatpants McGee from over there.

ILYITF: It's a close call but at least this noise-maker knows when to put the hair product down! and doesn't always want to give me a high five or ask me about my "hizzy's bizzy"*







* None of my other coworkers seem to know exactly a. what this means or b. how to respond to it either.

I'm Weird

I just opened a Halloween card from my Mom & Dad containing a generously priced Starbuck's gift card (Yay!). While my love of Starbucks is now both unabashedly documented and financially feasible, I also came face to face with a little something I like to call revelation. Here's why:

Front of Card: We've taken that first important step to having a Happy Halloween...

Inside of Card: We're weird!


Seriously, with parents like these what chance did I have?

Party Time

I've had a massive cold for the last three days. Well, it might be a cold or allergies or some kind of nasalogical snot rebellion in which adorably, underdoggish mucus particles are saying tearful goodbyes to their loved ones before completing inevitable suicide missions against Suphederine the destroyer and Darth Antihistamine. It's hard to be sure. Anyway, I've watched almost every episode of 'How I Met Your Mother', rediscovered the joy of slowly morphing into Rudolph, the red-nostriled icky head and decided that while pajama bottoms are decidedly not business casual, there should be some sort of cold/flu clothing clause in corporate handbooks the world over.

I love this song too now:

Strange Skies by Matt Marinovich

Book review!

Movies Make Me Happy

Just Put On Some Damn Pants

"She asked for a blanket, covered her legs, and cried quietly all the way to Tucson." Well, boo-friggin'-hoo. The MSN article is so sugary and indignant on Kyla's behalf, I'm suprised they didn't refer to her as the Rosa Parks of short skirts.

Perhaps the rule-mongering airline employee is a misogynistic animal who wanted to sexually shame Miss 'Fashionable Fringe' (read: fabric haphazardly hacked by garden shears in parent's garage) in front of a large crowd? If so, that is both terrible and tear worthy. However, I have a sneaking susipicion that upon takeoff, this woman successfully displayed her vagina to her seatmate, a random flight attendant and a family of four. There's no way that 2 inch swath could withstand the pressures of either sitting or leg-crossing and I can guarantee that if a male traveler started airing his junk in public - wardrobe malfunction or no - there would be lawsuits and legal action instead of a goddamn press conference about the injustice of it all.*

But what really twists my knickers, is that 'whore' and 'ill-fitting' have become acceptable, even admirable, fashion statements. In our American wonderland of corporate capitalism this ...
... has become the accepted norm for college girls? Not strippers, not prostitutes, not third world citizens living under a fascist regime but American college girls with all the opportunity in the world to AFFORD CLOTHING THAT ACTUALLY FITS. Perhaps the Southwest airline rep was just sick and tired of his own twelve-year-old daughter begging to leave the house in a halter top and hot pants with the word 'delicious' emblazoned across the ass? Maybe he's grossed out by the bad, starlet beaver shots flooding the popular press and wanted to protect innocent commuters from spontaneous vag attacks? Heck, "family airline" was probably just a cover and he really wanted to say "Honey, I hate to tell you this but over-dyed shrugs went out of style last year and unless you're Molly Ringwald, you have absolutely no business wearing white denim. Not ever."




* I suppose she could have been wearing underpants but flashing your delicates at unsuspecting travelers (unless it's a consensual kinda thing) is still pretty creepy.

Madeleine L'Engle: 1918 – 2007

Madeleine L'Engle was my favorite author as a kid. I'm sad that she's gone.